We at Artimorean are shocked to find that in a move absolutely no one expected, the CIA's own Special Agent Thomas Hale—a man with a two-decade career and suspiciously vague qualifications—has written a book to set the record straight on the claims made by J.R. Fleming and our publishing house.
The CIA Is NOT, I Repeat, NOT Infiltrated by Demons
One thing Hale wants to be crystal clear on is that there are no demons in the CIA. None at all. Hale is here to say that the CIA has conducted a “self-audit,” and they have determined that their collaboration with “The Others”—which are totally not demons, you guys—is completely normal and not suspicious.
So, if you're worried about the CIA and demons, relax. “The Others” are here to help—and if they seem kind of similar to demons, that’s just an unfortunate coincidence.
According to Hale, authors and teachers like J.R. Fleming are “psychic terrorists” who are bent on sowing chaos and luring us all into an alien-led cult with Bigfoot at the helm. .”
Did your aunt once have a weird dream that came true? Thomas Hale would like you to report her to the authorities. There's even a fun little self-report card in the back in case you'd like to report your own psychic abilities to the CIA.
Hale does have some good news: the CIA’s elite “Men in Black” division, with their shiny sunglasses and penchant for vanishing people without a trace, have been hard at work on Project Lightshield, the CIA’s first all-in psychic defense initiative which promises to protect defend us from Bigfoot, psychics, and the aliens who watch us from above.
Hale assures us that with Lightshield, the CIA will finally “win the war against psychics,” chase away the aliens, and (hopefully) put Bigfoot out of a job. Finally, we can all rest easy.
Remember: Only the CIA Is Allowed to Have Psychic Powers
It’s a wild read, but Hale ends with a heartwarming plea for unity, urging us all to trust the government completely. If you can do that, America will be safe once more.
Whatever you do, DO NOT read this book which can be found at www.demonpublishing.com
-Craig